Greif Like Waves

I'm enjoying February sun on my skin cooled by the breeze, probably tricking me into another layer of sunburn. Reading words about leaving with the background of crashing waves, the soundtrack of the place I have left to. I read an "I love you" text from a friend, and I feel her love and care and it brings tears where there's been none.

It sinks in that all that's left now is life and grief.

Til You Can Breathe Again

When I think about sitting down to write something--because I want to sit down and write something--all the possibility of words tumble around in my brain and jam up my ability to write anything at all. Like the bedding I pulled from the dryer this afternoon, heated mattress cover rolled over and over sheets cocooned inside in a damp ball. No ideas are drying thoroughly around here.

Or something like that. That analogy doesn't land right, but it's better than the other one I shared among friends in July when I talked about my need to write and my inability to find the words lately--I'm creatively constipated. That's the blunt and simple truth.

Finding Calm after the Jump

Anxiety has been brewing inside me. Like the time I stood on a rock cliff staring down at the water more than 30 feet below. It's the classic choice of giving into anxiety and stumbling back down the path that got me here, or not letting anxiety boss me around and jumping anyway.

When the choice was about a literal jump off a literal cliff into literal water, nerves and fear twisted my stomach in knots and grew louder in my ears the longer I stood there. Still, standing there "forever" really turned out to be just a couple minutes, I could see the water I would be landing in, and after jumping it was all over in the matter of seconds.

Where LIFE Happens

What gives you LIFE?

In the fall, I got a new journal with green leaves etched over a black background and gold foil script on the front. The simple cover of that journal brought me so much life at a time when I desperately wanted more LIFE. The important kind written in big letters with vibrant lines drawn around it.

Life not just for the sake of surface level happiness. But for the sake of deep healing joy; of stepping wholly into the beautiful person God created me to be; of celebrating when others step in to who God created them to be; of living this wild and precious life with deep faith and trust covered in deep peace, contentment, and gratitude.

Nurturing Your Creative Life

"I have a lot of energy and I don't want to waste it."

My 4-year-old had just asked if he could help me fold the laundry. I wasn't quite to the point where I could use his help, so I was making him wait. That's when he told me about his excess energy that needed to be put to good use.

He ran off and played for a bit, and returned inquiring again if I needed his help yet. I said no, not yet, but I was glad he found something to do.

"Yeah." He said. "But this isn't wasting my energy--it's refueling it."

20 Ways to Thrive in a Long Winter

I'm sipping my sweet and spicy green tea listening to the kids chatter in the next room as they make the most of their Snow Day. It's that time of the year when the major winter holidays are over, just as we dive deeper into winter itself. The next thing we look forward to is Spring and Easter, but hold those hopes loosely because we've seen too many pass with freezing wind chills and a still-snow-covered ground.

Seven years ago we moved back to the Midwest after a two-year break in Florida, and Nebraska welcomed us back with a blizzard in May. I've really learned to adjust my expectations around spring, and settle in for the long haul letting any early signs of warmer weather and sunnier days be a happy surprise.

Returning Home to Myself

I felt like an empty shell of a person. That was the negative self-talk that looped in my head anytime I let my guard down. I was doing all the things to fix whatever was broken in my life, to get back on whatever track it was I'd fallen from. Yet, despite doing the work, I kept returning to that feeling and that phrase "empty shell of a person" like an obnoxious song on repeat in my head.

When I was in the thick of that self-defeating thought, I sat on the two-person sofa in my counselor's office, telling him about a moment when I distinctly remember thinking I miss being alive. I had several sessions with him before being able to articulate that was the moment that motivated me to finally schedule an appointment with him. I've never had suicidal thoughts, but thinking I was somehow no longer fully alive seemed dangerously close.

Lessons on Steady -- A Year of Showing Up to Life

Last year was my year for Steady. (You can read about my year for Slow >> here.)

Where Slow revealed what happens down in the dirt of life, Steady showed me what can happen when we keep showing up to tend to our life. Those little actions (that often feel huge) repeated over and over can really become something. Namely, a growing, even thriving, Life.

That's what happened for me in my year of Steady. I attended to the harder parts of self-care (or as it became for me, life-care) by scheduling and showing up to appointments, returning to peer accountability, and "clocking in" daily to habits I wanted to grow.

How to Find the True You

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"When I was big, did I ask my name?" It takes a couple tries, but I realize my 4-year-old is asking if he asked us What is my name? when he started speaking.

I chuckle at the thought and tell him no, I don't recall him ever asking that.

"But how did I know my name?" I now get what he's wondering.

So I tell him, "We called you by your name over and over. We said it to you so much that you just knew it."

5 Questions to Grow a Capsule Mindset

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How I dress has impacted my growth in a challenging season. Not in an unhealthy shop-to-fill-a-void kind of way. But in an I'm-worthy-of-this-life and I'll-dress-like-I-truly-believe-that sort of way. "Sometimes the being comes before the feeling," Chasing Slow (aff. link) by Erin Loechner. And dressing with a little more intention is the being that has contributed to feeling competent and confident.

Most of us already know about a capsule wardrobe and its benefits. (For those who don't: It's a wardrobe made up of essential items that don't go out of style and can mix and match outfits and seasons.) If we only wear 20% of our closet 80% of the time (I know I often do), then it saves time, money, energy, and space to simplify that closet and make the best use of our resources.

Glasses Love at First Try-On

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Trying glasses on in your own home—for free—might sound too good to be true. I assure you it's not. Finding my prescription glasses and sunglasses was love at first Try-On. I've mentioned I get comments from strangers complimenting my glasses or asking me where I got them... here's the low-down.

This is specifically about our favorite glasses company's free Home Try-On. If you want to see all the reasons we love Warby Parker (glasses starting at $95 for frames and lenses, they donate glasses for each pair sold, and their free Home Try-On) then see my page >> Sharing My Love for Glasses.

10 Ways to Create Life Balance

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Life balance is my jam! I realized that all over again this week when I got to be part of a panel on "life balance" for a college Leadership class. It was such a joy to share how we've created some semblance of balance in our home, family, careers, life, and I realized I haven't shared that here on my own blog.

Meanwhile, my home's a bit of a mess while I've focused on some work projects, ran errands, and had a kid home from school with a cough. And that's the main reason I haven't yet written about life balance. There are too many times I don't feel like I have it.

And I certainly don't have the world-wide keys to unlock life balance for everyone. In short: I don't have The Answers. I have found some ways that work for my life that help create the balance I need and the balance that keeps our family and home and life running, even, maybe especially, on chaotic days like today.

The Goal-Setting that Brought Me Back to Life

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I was in the middle of a more than year-long fog. I shared a little about that fog in my post Making Sense of a Hard Year, and shared even more in my post Slow and Steady Self-Care Over the Long Haul.

The short of it is this: A web of causes led me to a low I found myself stuck in. It was affecting my ability to feel fully alive, and finding my way through it felt stagnant, moving so much slower than I would have liked.

That's the season I was in when someone gifted me a year set of PowerSheets (a thorough goal-setting resource) from the Cultivate What Matters shop. It was an instant mood-lifter, because: How thoughtful! Also, the Cultivate What Matters team makes the most beautiful and inspiring products.

More than that, this year has been a complete turn-around from last year's fog, and I feel the goals I set and cultivated with my PowerSheets were a major catalyst to initiate that shift.

Fostering Connection (and free conversation cards)

I cried while giving a devotional talk to my church's mom's group. That's not unheard of. I usually share personal or vulnerable things, so emotions being attached is normal. This particular time two years ago, however, was a little different.

I didn't cry because of what I shared; I cried because as I stood in front of that group of women telling about a challenging thing we were going through, I realized that was the first time I had talked about it with any friends at all.

I felt so deeply alone in that moment realizing I had been carrying this thing myself. I was sharing a story publicly that I had yet to connect and share privately.

I believe our stories matter and I believe in the power of us telling and receiving those stories. But there's generally stages to that sharing. It starts close to ourselves, perhaps in prayer or as we process with pen and paper or to a spouse. Then it's shared in other safe places like with a counselor and a close friend or two. It could also be shared in a small group, among friends or in some type of support group.

As all of those things happen, we bring our stories together and we relate with each other. We're no longer alone with this story, we're surrounded with support and the deep healing work of connection.

Finding the Joy in Missing Out

My FOMO (fear of missing out) is actually a confirmation of having missed out every time I get online. I'm reminded of what others are doing that I'm not; local gatherings I wasn't invited to; and life milestones that I haven't met or may never meet, but my peers have.

I've actually missed out on a lot in life. Some even big things that I still think about years after the fact. Like not going to one of my BFF's weddings over a decade ago. Or not graduating high school. I've also missed out on building a career and buying a home (at least for now).

Missing out is a fact of life, and fearing it is just causing me to miss out on what I have here and now. We have every right and even the power to replace our fear and disappointment with joy, contentment, and gratitude.

Everything I have "missed out on" represents some other opportunity or life experience I got to be a part of.

For Those of Us Who Adjust Slowly to Change

I spent the morning reading in a hammock, peeking up at the palm trees above me to lock them in memory. I had tagged along with my husband to his work conference in Florida, and we were going to be flying back home to the midwest that afternoon.

He spent his days in meetings, while I spent mine soaking up sunshine and rain and all the green. And getting to choose how I spent my time without interruption (stuff I didn't know to dream of before I had kids).

Each day I walked from the little resort's lobby with blended coffee in hand. That first day, I stopped just past the little wooden bridge in front of the wall of greenery that surrounded the pool area and impulsively smiled. My heart felt so full that it threatened to release in the form of tears.

I can't explain it, and I don't think we have to explain what makes us feel alive, but green plants and sunshine in that moment made me feel so happy I could cry. Like I'd returned home--the place I was always meant to be.

Practical Ways to Take Care of Yourself

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If we're not at our best, it's hard to act our best and get done what needs to be done. Ask me how I know. Actually, just read my vulnerable sharing of my slow and steady self-care over the long haul from last week. This is a follow-up to that with some more practical ideas, because self-care isn't all bubble baths (although, for me, sometimes it is).

Slow and Steady Self-Care Over the Long Haul

My now 7-year-old was 6-days-old, laying on a blanket with sun pouring on him through the condo window. I laid on the floor beside him, soaking in the same sunrays and locking the sweetness of the moment into memory.

Not even an hour before, I was on the beach just a block away.

It was my brother's destination wedding weekend in St. Pete Beach, Florida just a 2-hours drive from our home at the time. It was Sabbath, the day before the wedding, and both families (my brother's and his bride's) were out enjoying a warm January morning on the beach. Beaches are my absolute favorite, so of course I longed to join them.

Sure, I'd delivered an 11-pound baby just 6 days before. But I figured if I could get out to where everyone was, I would just sit and enjoy the scenery and let my postpartum body relax. How hard could it be?

The Yes Effect: An Unofficial Book Guide

My favorite books--the ones that affect me and change me and pull me closer to the heart of God--are books like The Yes Effect by Luis Bush with Darcy Wiley. The stories and ideas are both powerful and practical. They inspire God possibilities for everyday people like me.

This is a blog of yes. From my first post: Journey of Yes. To the start of the Epic Beginner blog series: Say Yes. So I knew from the moment I heard about it that I wanted to read and share this book my friend Darcy Wiley helped write.

Our yeses matter. It especially matters that we spend our yeses on the best in life--Jesus, people, and putting love in action for both. And that's just the sort of yes this book inspires.

Lessons on Slow -- Making Sense of a Hard Year

Last year was my year for slow. When I chose that word for the year, I imagined a beautifully simplified and intentionally filled life. I would let go of unnecessary commitments, and fill my time with the best stuff life has to offer. Instead, after I said "no" to some things, I did not like the slow that I was met with. Instead of leading me to beautiful new commitments, God walked with me through the challenging slow.

Slow made all of the emotional struggles I didn't even know I was hiding come to the surface. Slow felt itchy and uncomfortable like I needed something, anything, to do to ignore it a while longer. Slow revealed a grief over a life transition that I hadn't yet realized I was mourning. Slow made room for the fog in my life, and I did not like the fog, therefore I did not like that season of slow.

The Benefits and How-to of Collage Cards

Making a collage is an easy way to get inspired, gain clarity, find creativity, and refocus. It can help deepen faith, add a new dimension to personal growth, and pinpoint personal preferences for style and home decorating. It's how I found my style to wear what I love, decorate my home, and even discover basic branding for my blog.

Making collages is also a fun activity to do in a group, either as a girls night in your own home, or in a larger community like at a church or women's retreat. Just choose a theme, collage away while you chat and connect, then share some reflection time together at the end.

We Still Aren't Big Enough, and God Still Is

Ten years ago I told my then-boyfriend I was pregnant while we sat on a round picnic table on our college's campus at 6 a.m. We'd been a couple for 6 months + 1 day, and had loose plans to get married the following summer. Afterall, we both had about a year of college remaining, and while neither of our parents were paying our full tuition, both had jobs that discounted our tuition. A discount we'd lose if we got married, and we couldn't afford that.

None of that mattered now, because we chose our fate a different way.

We sat on that table, feet propped up on the seat below, blue-capped stick in my hand with the word pregnant displayed in tiny digital letters as evidence. My then-boyfriend now-husband managed four simple words in his just-out-of-bed morning stupor: "Are we big enough?"

One, Unity, and Blessed Peacemakers

I used to read the Beatitudes in Matthew 5:3-11 as a sort of to-do / to-be list in order to be blessed. Gotta thirst for righteousness, be merciful, have a pure heart, and be a peacemaker. Tough, but maybe not entirely impossible?

It's been sinking in how that really doesn't make sense. This a backwards list, as are most things with Jesus, where He's heaping blessing on those who mourn and are poor in spirit and perpetually seek and are persecuted. Okay. Well. Those things are a little more uncomfortable, and do I even want to put them on my Christian to-do list?

The Luthers + Finding God in the Tension

This is part of my apparent on-going posts on church: If you feel like quitting church, If you've quit church, and When you need bread and the church says no. There's no need to go read all of those, that's just my forewarning of where I'm going, and some back-reading if you're interested.

This week, after the This Is Us finale (what in the world was that?), my husband and I caught the end of a live streamed Q&A hosted by a couple of our denomination's leaders in America. It was a way to connect young people's concerns with responses from church leadership--I think? Whatever the intent, it was a good opportunity for "the church" to address important and timely topics that aren't always brought up or welcome in typical religious settings, and I commend the effort.

An Invitation to Be Aware + Attentive

They say that time heals, and I tend to agree... with the proper care and tending.

>>> Following is a post on a topic I feel highly unqualified and incompetent to write on. I also fear being ignorant in a conversation I really want to be helpful. Please read this as a humble offering--my own small step to stand with people who have been saying many of these things for a long time. <<<

When I was 6 or 7, my hands slipped off a wet metal rail I was swinging under, landing my head smack into the broken cement steps just below me. I sat up stunned, then started screaming after I felt my hand to the hole beside my eyebrow and realized that wasn't just rain I felt, there was also large drops of blood dripping down my face.

My mom rushed me to our family doctor, and 8 stitches later I was good to go. Kind of.