Slowing to Hear God's Wish

My word for this year is slow. My personal resolution for this month is to improve our family meals--slowing down for cooking and conversations. And my creative goal for this quarter is less learning and more doing--especially writing on inspiration I've had and has continued to grow since 2012.

Put all of those things together and we get the rest of this blog post.

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Our 2-year-old saw me working on peeling and cutting potatoes for breakfast and asked, "Is that apples, mommy?"

Um, no, son.

I've clearly not made real potatoes in a long time. At first I almost skipped it. I mean, being up all night with a vomiting toddler is a perfect excuse to pass on slowing for homemade. But I did it anyway, peeling, cutting, seasoning. And I realized how much I miss it. I've never been much of a cook, but I've definitely done considerably less of it since Baby 3. And I miss the slow rhythms of feeding my family.

These days, slow isn't natural for me and sometimes it's just flat-out not desirable.

Sharon Hodde Miller shared her experience of taking the long, slow path to writing her book on my friend Merritt's podcast. She shared the lessons she has learned along the way, and at some point Merritt asked her what advice she would give to someone wanting to skip that long, slow path. How might they learn from her struggles to get to the end result a little quicker? (Listen to the episode to hear the full conversation.)

It got me thinking about how we always want the shortcut. We want the meal without all the prep. We want to skip the fall of mankind and think of how we might have done things different than Adam and Eve. We want to not wander in the wilderness and think of how we wouldn't complain or misbehave like the Israelites did. We want the book without the life lessons to fill it.

Yet, by doing that, by looking for the shortcuts and imagining ways we wouldn't mess up, we're unknowingly removing Jesus from the equation. We're saying that we don't need His salvation, or we'd like to avoid needing it if at all possible. We forget that the fall and the struggle and the wander is the very reason we get to experience rescue and hope and grace. (Lots more on this to come, because it's the heart of the message inspiring me.)

Trying to find the shortcut only shortcuts our stories.

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Last night our 6-year-old threw a huge fit about the meal I had spent 45 minutes preparing, before he even got to the table. So, later after everyone else was done and gone and my husband had spent a good while diffusing the situation, I returned to give my husband a break.

As my son finished the part of the meal he finally decided he liked, and I washed the dishes, I tried explaining to him what it's like to work hard cooking a meal and then be met with whining and complaining before the food had even been tried. That it's a little like how he felt the day before when he worked so hard meticulously placing tiny beads on a heart formation and his little brother knocked it all on the floor. I asked if he remembered how that felt.

He seemed kind of thoughtful, even sad thinking about his hard work that had been swiped away in a second. Then, as if something clicked, he responded, "It's kind of like a wish not coming true."

You bet, bud. Every meal I labor over that my kids refuse to eat is like my wish for them, for me, for our family, not coming true.

Today, those words came back around to me in a way I didn't expect.

I've been in a rut of growth and writing and figuring out what I'm doing "here" and what I'm doing next. Last week I answered some questions in a sort of interview over the phone and talked about my faith and writing and blogging. When asked what I hoped would eventually come of it, all I could admit was the unknown. And it's true. I'm so hopeful for God to come through and lead in ways I don't even know to ask for right now.

Still, I used to get a little more specific. I used to be brave enough to admit I felt God calling me to writing and speaking. Now, thinking that makes me feel like I don't even want it anymore. I feel scared that God might actually come through to lead me to speak and write and I'd fail. That perhaps my 7-year-old dream of being a secretary (because I didn't know writing could be a career) might be the safer, more comfortable route. Or maybe God doesn't want to use my writing and speaking as much as I've pleaded with Him to do so.

I've been turning this all over and over in my mind. Thoughts that carry away and prayers that formulate as I slow to peel and cut and prepare food or as I fold and stack and put away clean laundry. Words that come as I slow. The everyday mundane where a mustard seed of faith is all you need to grow something beyond recognition.

The laundry is what I was working on today as I listened to a podcast. God said words that hit me deep enough, clear enough, personal enough I had to pause the episode to go sit on the toilet seat and cry.

I heard God say: "Trina, every time you procrastinate on writing that message I've been scripting into your heart and every time you say 'but this calling isn't a real thing for me to do,' it's like My wish for You isn't coming true."

That's the last thing I'd ever want is for God's wish for me to not come true. Yet, I discredit Him or chicken out or quit following His plan because it's just taking too long. And it hit me, that's exactly what I've been doing--or rather, not doing. Looking for any reason to believe His wish for me has changed or I somehow got it wrong, then not following through.

There are no shortcuts. Clearly. Just lots more pieces filtering in these slow moments. More to what God is speaking into my life and where He is leading. More of His words growing in my heart and flowing through my fingers.

If I would just let Him.

So, with all of that, I'm continuing to slow, continuing to homecook more of our meals, and continuing to write words that have been growing in my heart for years now. It's time just as much as it was 4 years ago. And I can't let the lack of shortcuts cause me to give up on Him.

God has a beautiful wish for my life.

And I believe He has a beautiful wish for your life, too.

Let's slow to hear Him. Then be faithful to follow Him the long way.

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also see:
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30 prayer stories
grow your life

My Memoir in a Blog Post

day 31 of 31 celebrating three-oh

Here we are at the last day in this series. Quite frankly, this particular blog post is the main reason I decided to even write this 31-day blog series. I was getting ready to turn 30, and I thought for sure I would have traditionally published a book by now. Something real and honest and heart-felt and brave.

Then, I wondered, what's stopping me from compiling those stories myself? Why not use my blog and my ebook-making skills to be real and honest and heart-felt and brave with my own story?

That might seem like a no-brainer. And yet it was an idea that I had to find my way to, mostly after cutting through the fear. Instead of hiding behind excuses like the hurdles of traditional publishing, I'd have to address the real issue. The issue of, am I even ready to tell my story as it is now? Am I even brave enough? Does it really matter?

According to my manifesto from Day 5, I believe our stories really do matter. Living them is important, and so is telling them. In sharing our hard and vulnerable, God's good gets the glory. And that's what I want for my life.

So, I'm starting with 30 pieces of my story. The pieces that make up who I am and my testimony of the good things God is growing in my life. This is my little scared self taking one small step to be real and honest and heart-felt and brave. My memoir in a blog post.

1. I'm a Kansas girl, born and raised. I unapologetically call carbonated beverages pop, I do the 2-finger wave to cars passing by on back-Kansas roads, and I'm a small town girl from a place almost everybody actually does know your name or where you live or who you belong to. My small-town upbringing is one reason slow and simple rests in the core of my being.

2. I've learned to be okay with my struggle with depression. The struggle means I haven't given up and that I'm in tune to my current needs (because, for me, depression shows up when something's gone out of balance in my life). And it's my reminder that I always need Jesus.

3. I have the gift of faith which has turned into the gift of frustration. I went from "kissing Jesus goodnight" as a little girl, to wanting to kiss organized church good-bye as a grown woman. At first I felt guilty about this. But over time I've seen the gift in it. To keep seeking God and His Kingdom, and not let my safety or acceptance rest in the man-made.

4. I sometimes have issues calling myself a "grown woman." I am petite and flat-chested and sometimes childish and goofy and so many things that as a kid I didn't think I would be as a woman. Many times I'm still that same shy timid little girl I used to be. Add to that being confused for a 12-year-old many times, including yesterday, and it's hard to accept and be proud of the woman that I am.

5. I used to think I'd publish a book while still a child. What I missed is that I'd have to first be able to identify myself as a writer and then actually write. I spent years feeling like I had missed out. Now, at 30, I finally realize there is no missing out, no expiration dates on what I can or will do in my life. As long as I'm breathing, God still has plans for me.

6. I had a panic attack after I got my tattoo. After prayer and refocusing on truth, I realized the anxiety wasn't regret over the tattoo, but fear over what people would think. Conservative family and friends, or church settings that wouldn't "approve." Through this I saw how much I valued other's opinions of me over God's in so many other areas of my life, too. I'm tired of living in that fatal fear and mis-focus, and am working on constantly taking my questions of identity and approval before God, where it belongs.

7. I say I'm a sugar addict, and I don't use that term lightly. When I was little and I couldn't find anything sweet in the house, I'd sneak teaspoons of granulated sugar from the pantry. It didn't taste good, but it eased the void. Sugary treats have been a strong struggle ever since.

8. I have big hair and I used to care... a lot. My hair went from long and beautiful to frizzy and hard to manage and hard to grow back out after several bad haircuts. There were moments it made me feel gorgeous and more that it made me feel hideous. I felt helpless having my beauty all wrapped up in something out of my control. It's taken more than 20 years, but I've started learning to accept and even like my hair in all it's big and curly glory.

9. Acne and its scars have been a part of my life longer than it's not. Countless people have offered unsolicited input, one stranger even asking, "Do you know what's wrong with your face?" before giving her expert advice. Do you know who hasn't said anything about my face? My close friends and family. They let me bring it up. It's one of the many reasons I knew my husband was "the one" when he ran his hand over my face and told me I was beautiful. So many wounds that I didn't even know how to address started to heal in that moment.

10. I was my parents 4th and unplanned for child. I always knew I was wanted and part of a bigger plan. My mom wrote me a card that said something along those lines that I read as I took my first commercial flight on the way to Mongolia. I felt part of something bigger than me and bigger than my parents and I was so thankful for their role and belief in that.

11. I had 3 panic attacks in 3 months. That was last year, and have had moments of anxiety ever since. I'm still figuring out what to do with that and following the winding path of my health, emotional and physical, to find what has led here and how to find my way out.

12. I am a Seventh-Day Adventist Christian. And while I still believe this denomination's foundation is true in the Bible, I do not love how this gets played out as an organization or in our schools and churches. Especially in regards to who gets "kept out." Sometimes I'm afraid showing up is perpetuating the problem and killing my passion. Still, I'm choosing to stay and be the change.

13. I had 3 kids by the time I realized God would actually perform the miracle of me enjoying motherhood. But I don't want to forget the ways God showed up on the hard days and the warrior He's making me, so I raised my motherhood Ebenezer by tattooing three arrows on my back.

14. I always, always knew our first baby was a miracle not a mistake. I didn't have the courage to share our shame-free wedding story until last year.

15. I've been told many times over the years that people thought I was stuck-up before they got to know me. I always thought you had to be beautiful and confident to be stuck up and most days I didn't believe I was either. I didn't fault the shy, awkward girl hanging out by the wall with her no makeup and glasses and frizzy hair for not being Miss Social, and I thought I was that shy awkward girl. I wish we'd stop using phrases like that. Perpetuating labels that don't belong on people. Let's just see each other as people. Some outgoing, some good listeners, some that know how to do their makeup well, some that laugh loud--so many differences, all beautiful.

16. Lately, I'm confused about being proud to be an American. There are so many things I respect and am thankful for about this country; and, yet, I can't be fully proud to be an American without also having humility for what we as a people have done (and still are doing) to hurt or misuse or neglect others.

17. I knew my husband was "the one" from the first moment I saw him. And many moments after that. Each time, I knew. It was right, it was real, it was love. He was my home.

18. I'm a bit of a conspiracy theorist. The rational part of me usually helps keep me sane. For now, ignorance is bliss on all the things that happen in our government.

19. I have a really weird phobia that I recently learned actually has a name. It's trivial but has always bothered me on a deep level. Seeing small, tight holes together makes me feel panicky and makes my brain itch. My husband is one of the first people I admitted this to, and he came up with imagery to help me stop thinking about it when it gets stuck in my head.

20. I'm learning it really is about the heart, not necessarily the action. Jesus said it, but I'm seeing all the ways it plays out. Adultery isn't just sleeping with someone who isn't our spouse and idolatry isn't just bowing down to an image. Both are about where we put our attention that numbs or hides or withholds our intimacy that keeps us from connecting with our spouses or Jesus or facing our problems. It can get to the point that we're turning to our vices--technology, sugar, carbs, porn, social media, alcohol, etc.--to hide from just normal, everyday stress. Instead of finding happiness, we feel numb, and sometimes that can feel good enough. Numbness is an easier go-to than feeling. I want to follow God with heart, soul, and mind, and love others, and that means doing the hard thing of addressing weaknesses and addictions rather than using them to hide.

21. I still do something reminiscent of yoga. A few years ago I wrote about quitting a yoga class I was taking. I still do Christian meditation and stretching and breathing and mindfulness. Unfortunately my post might have just added to the confusion for Christians figuring out whether yoga is a religion. In short, yoga is a Hindu spiritual and ascetic discipline. Part of it includes breath control, simple meditation, and the adoption of specific body postures. However, I believe that breath control, meditation, and stretches that are also found in yoga can be done in a Christian setting / environment / mindset.

22. I used to care more about going green. It was actually one of my main focuses when I first started blogging 8 years ago. I was 8 when I would pull stuff out of our trash and try to find ways to repurpose it, and I've always wanted to recycle and learn about saving the earth. Since having 3 kids, convenience and saving my sanity moved into top priority. As my kids get older I find myself slowly returning again to my green roots.

23. Harmony is one of my top 5 strengths, but lately it's felt more like a struggle. According to Strengths-Finder it means that I look for consensus and areas of agreement, which sounds good. Anyone online lately knows that consensus and agreement are not exactly prevalent, so my "strength" just leaves me feeling like a failure as I'm frantic pursuing the superficial side of harmony--people-leasing.

24. I love a good dance party. No, not at clubs, but anywhere I'm with my family or good friends and there's dance-worthy music. I'm not good at dancing, but still can't help but turn up the music and move.

25. My story is totally Katarina's from Taming of the Shrew. I identified with it when I read it at 15. The breaking of my independence as I learn to be in a relationship both with Jesus and with my husband. A beautiful surrender, whether or not I initially thought I wanted or needed it.

26. I'm a shy, quiet girl that found my voice. I didn't speak much until I did so in full sentences, and mostly stayed quiet except around my family. I was super shy as a kid, which doesn't make too much sense why I agreed to give my first sermon when I was 13. I felt a calm at that podium as I relied on God's strength to speak through me. I've spoken to churches and groups many times since and even added public speaking as an emphasis to my degree. I still get nerves and wonder why I feel called to it; but that all clears when I'm up front speaking.

27. I'm a high school dropout with a college degree. After spending my junior year of high school in Mongolia, it didn't seem right to go back to school. So I worked fulltime and got my GED, before going away to college. Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if I followed a "normal" path; mostly I just love what God's done with my surrender of normal.

28. Death inspires me to truly live. I know, that can seem so confusing and even depressing. Life is wild and precious and unpredictable and we can only live it once. I want to live the moments I have fully present, fully loving, and fully in Jesus.

29. I am ever-changing. There are so many things I used to believe simply because I didn't know otherwise. As I meet new people and hear new perspectives, I'm learning how little I actually know. I keep solid in the foundation of God and His Word and as long as those truths remain, I'm learning to let go of the misinformation that no longer fits. Being confident when others don't agree with my changes is a whole different topic.

30. There are pieces of my story that I may never share publicly. At least for now, admitting them in prayer to Jesus, even telling the people closest to me or talking through these pieces with a counselor is enough.

What pieces make up you and your story?

And, that's a wrap! Thanks for going on this 31-day journey with me.

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also see:
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31 days celebrating three-oh
monthly dose of simple

30 of My Top Posts

day 21 of 31 celebrating three-oh

This little blog has been online for almost 8 years. (I started it in December 2008, in case you were wondering.) During that time, I've shared over 850 blog posts, gotten over a million pageviews, and even made a few friends and dollars along the way.

To celebrate, here's a little collection of 30 of my top or most noteworthy posts.

Reader Favs / My Fav Posts...

These are the posts that are read and liked and shared by the people I consider "my" readers. These are the posts that I feel are closer to my style of writing and my purpose for writing. Although these posts are not usually found on Google or Pinterest, the people who read and respond and return for these types of posts are "my tribe."

If You Feel Like Quitting Church
Our Wedding Story, Shame-Free
Motherhood Ebenezer
5 Ways to Be Filled
Courageous at Home
Everything We Do
Slow Reader to Book Lover
Success is What You Do While Everyone Else is Distracted

Most Searched Posts...

These are my top SEO posts. That means that they have the most views (and still growing), mainly because people search these topics online and land on my blog. The people that read and share these posts are likely not my return readers, mainly because these are not topics I continue writing about.

Envelope System
Baby Dedication Ideas
Should Christians Do Yoga
Date Night Questions
Advent Calendar Ideas
How to Make a Watermark
Tea Tree Deodorant
Warby Parker Home Try-On

Most Pinned Posts...

The above most-searched posts are also in this list of most pinned. These are the posts that may not be found through Google, but I see Pinned again and again on Pinterest. Whoever lands on these posts, again, are usually not my return readers.

No 'Poo with Curly Hair
Brown Bag Date Night
Minimalist Packing Tips
Pintuck Duvet Cover
Holiday Cards with PicMonkey 1 | and 2
Birth Announcements with PicMonkey

Series Posts...

There are times I've had too many ideas on a topic to let it simply exist in one post. These are my series posts. A few of them were a part of the 31-day series linkup in October. Others were part of my yearly spring or fall simplifying. And one year I did 12 monthly resolutions (it's still one of my favorite and most memorable years).

Letting Your Little Light Shine
Lessons from an Epic Beginner
Celebrating Three-oh
Countdown to Simplifying Home Ebook
Simplifying Home: an 8-Week Challenge

Simplicity, Simplified Series

Project Eliminate Year 1 | Year 2

Monthly Resolutions

And that's just a sampling! What a time of blogging it's been! Thanks for going down memory lane with me. Here's to more blogging to come...

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31 days celebrating three-oh
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What I've Learned in My First 30 Years of Life

day 17 of 31 celebrating three-oh

Or, rather, what I think I've learned in my first 30 years of life. The light-hearted as well as the deep and meaningful. Some things I know, but don't always do. And other things I think I know, and will likely keep learning as I go.

1. How to care for curly hair.

I've had curls as long as I've had hair and I've spent more than half my life fighting that. After years of straightening my hair or hiding it in a messy bun, I've finally learned how to embrace it and care for it and style it. And even like it. It involves washing no more than twice a week and lots of leave-in conditioner.

2. How to wear makeup.

I'm a late-comer to even a basic makeup routine. Thanks to learning about the 5-minute face from What Not to Wear and watching a few YouTube videos, what I've landed on is almost as easy and low-key as my no-makeup days, but looks way better and still natural. My current favs: Physician's Formula Tinted Moisturizer all over; concealer around the eyes; smudge pot for easy eyeshadow; eyebrow pencil; bronzer/blush depending on the day; eye liner; mascara.

3. How to have friends.

It's simple: Make an effort. I know, almost sounds too basic and easy. In the 5th grade, my teacher had us all go through the book How to Win Friends and Influence People, and I learned that people care about themselves and want you to care about them to. I don't always do it well, and I have to break my introvert tendencies to reach out. But when I'm feeling friendless, it's often because I'm not making an effort and caring about others.

4. How to get dressed.

I mean, I learned it literally before I can remember. It wasn't until well after college and becoming a mom that I finally learned to embrace my simple style and put together a cute outfit that represents me. As long as I'm not in the office or at fancy events.

5. How to have a devotional life.

The details depend on the season. It always includes the Bible and always includes prayer, and for me likely involves a journal. Lately, I'm reading through the Bible (again), writing down things that stick out as well as what I'm praying over in a journal.

6. How to read a book.

I don't remember when I actually learned how to read, but I learned to really like reading just a few years ago. So much good stuff comes from books.

7. How to be a mom.

I didn't really feel like a natural mother after having our first baby. And, yet, here we are almost nine years later with three kids and we're all still alive. I must've learned something along the way.

8. How to cook.

This wasn't exactly true even after first getting married. We ate a lot of things from boxes and I thought that was good enough. I'm no gourmet chef, and we still eat plenty of things from boxes, but I have cooked many delicious, albeit simple, meals over the years.

9. How to stay married forever.

This is an area where I know the how, but still have to make the effort. Put love in action everyday, communicate even when it hurts, and don't give up. That's what I've learned so far about staying married. (Of course, this does not account for abuse or adultery. In that case, maybe staying married forever isn't the best option.)

10. How to celebrate my birthday.

I know how, and am not afraid, to make my own cake or plan my own get-together. I like celebrating my birthday, and I'm okay making that happen and not waiting around for someone else to do it for me. (Although, I appreciate the times others have planned it for me.)

11. How to see things different than others and still love them.

This doesn't come easy. I'm a "can't we all agree and get along" type of person. (Strengths-finder calls it "Harmony"). I'm learning we may not all agree, and we often see things different, but we can choose to get along. That's sometimes the best I can do in loving others.

12. How to get online.

I was maybe ten or so the first time we got Internet. The concept seemed so foreign to me, a little like how I felt when I saw my first iPhone commercial. Who knew "online" would lead to some cool opportunities and priceless friendships.

13. How to get offline.

I took a media-break in July and may need another soon. Turns out, "online" is rather addicting, so I've had to spend some time learning to get offline and have written several posts about that.

14. That falling hurts.

I had some brutal falls as a kid. One off my bike that left a scar on my knee. And one on our back porch steps that left a scar across my eyebrow that keeps getting more defined with age. Even as I get older and the dynamics of what I consider a "fall" changes, it still hurts.

15. That not living hurts worse.

Worse than the physical pain of falling or the emotional pain of failing, is the pain of not living. Of sitting on the sidelines, doing nothing, learning nothing, being alone. I don't usually let that feeling settle for long, but when it's there, I'd rather truly live even with the risk of falling.

16. How to get through depression.

I went from denying that's even what I was experiencing to finally acknowledging it and finding ways to get around it. Depression or similar symptoms can be triggered by so many things (stress, lack of sleep, poor diet, deficiencies); I'm glad I've learned to identify and stop the cycle.

17. How to simplify.

It's always been a part of me, but I didn't really recognize and acknowledge it until almost ten years ago just after I was married. Now, even with three kids, I know how to keep simplifying and enjoy the benefits of simple.

18. How to change.

Get sick and tired of being sick and tired, then do something about it. See the full post >> here.

19. That living in faith is hard but worth it.

I remember hearing the warning before my baptism, that the devil attacks people who commit their lives to God. I wasn't sure what that would look like, but I was ready. Turns out those "attacks" are sometimes so trivial they're almost unnoticeable. Feeling down, struggling with finances, feeling lonely. Whether they're "attacks" on my faith or just life on this sin-scarred earth, faith is the very thing that gets me through.

20. How to be less picky.

I was a super picky-eater as a kid. Now, I'm still pretty picky, but have learned ways to try and like new things. See >> Confessions of a Picky Eater.

21. That my thoughts aren't the boss of me.

My mind runs away from me often. I've been learning to reign this in, to focus on truth, and to act in what I know is right even if my mind thinks differently.

22. How to live away from my parents.

It's true, after living more than half of my life with my parents, I now live away from them.

23. How to adult.

Along the lines of living away from my parents, I'm also rocking this whole adulting thing. Sure, it sometimes sucks. Still, bills get paid, chores get done, meals get cooked, and we all visit the dentist and the doctor.

24. That adulting isn't what I always thought it would be.

See above to see what my idea of "adulting" currently entails: Errands, chores, bills. My idea of adulting when I was younger? Staying up late, not having homework, and generally doing whatever I want. Partly true, but definitely not the whole picture of being an adult.

25. How to speak.

I didn't say much when I was really young. I was shy and quiet and just didn't want to speak. Now, I'm not as shy, not as quiet, and actually have speaking as part of my emphasis in my college degree.

26. How to write.

The first sentence I remember writing was "I love mom." I wrote it across a piece of construction paper and put big vertical lines between each word because a space didn't seem sufficient. I'm glad I've learned to write a little more than that.

27. That writing is an occupation.

When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd answer something like secretary. That's the only thing I could think of that involved writing and typing, because I thought writer was a made-up thing. Turns out it's true that it can be a challenge turning writing into a full-time living wage, but it's still possible, and I'm happy to know that.

28. That maybe I should have explored other occupations.

My only interest going into college was English, and since I was afraid of pursuing writing as a career (which might have landed me in a more suitable degree of communications / journalism), I landed in English education. That didn't last long and I eventually just stuck with English. I should have explored other career and degree options. I've been loving learning about branding and design and wish I wouldn't have been afraid to take classes that stretched me.

29. Who I am and what I believe.

I am a child of God and I believe in Him. Even when I'm not brave enough to say the other specifics of who I am and what I believe (especially when it's different from people around me), I can always return to and be confident in those unconditional truths.

30. That I'm still "finding myself" and maybe forever will.

Beyond my core of being a child of God and believing in Him, who I am and what I believe is evolving. I'm growing and learning and seeing things new ways. That likely won't change as long as I'm alive. And I'm learning to be okay with that.

>>>

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31 days celebrating three-oh
free journal

30 Moments I Knew My Husband Was "The One"

day 15 of 31 celebrating three-oh

Ten years ago today my husband officially asked me to be his girlfriend. I knew we would get married, and I knew it even before that moment. (He did, too.) On this our ten-year anniversary, I am listing the 30 moments I grew to love my husband and knew he was, and still is, "the one."

1. The first time I saw him.

Okay, so it wasn't entirely love at first. But for me, this really was the beginning. I was new to the college he had already been attending. He was being Mr. Social in the front row at an evening weekend program, and I looked him up in the mug book when I got back to my room. He wasn't single and I thought he was someone a friend had dated, which ruled him out. I remember feeling disappointed and telling my roommate that.

2. Moonlit skateboarding and watching Hitch in the theater.

We were both hanging out with my brother and some of my brother's friends. He was now single, but I wasn't. So while this wasn't a moment of sparks between us, it was proof we could be around each other in a friend setting.

3. Chatting on MSN during Christmas break.

This is when we both felt our first real connection. We were both single, I was home for Christmas break in Kansas; he was taking his Christmas break from deaning at an academy. We'd chat for hours. About music and past relationships and our favorite color. We had so much in common and I felt so safe and connected to him. And it was embarrassing to admit that even to myself, since we were only "talking" through a computer.

4. He sent me a book. And a poem.

I returned to college and he returned to the academy he was deaning at. He sent me a devotional book and a poem about our new friendship. It was super sweet, but made me feel confused since I didn't know if we'd have the same connection in person.

5. He came back to visit college in the spring.

He brought students from the academy he was working at to visit our college. My job was coordinating visits, so I went with him to take the students out to eat. He drove the van, and there was something that just felt right sitting next to him. Again, confusing since we didn't really know each other, and his sister and my brother were getting married that summer. I was convinced that meant we'd never date.

6. He hugged me at our siblings' wedding.

I didn't see him again until the weekend of our siblings' wedding. He hugged me and I melted. He felt and smelt like home. (Cheesy, I know, but I bottled that moment up in my mind.) During the summer, I met my brother to go camping in Moab. He had made me a hemp-type bracelet with three beeds--the middle one was God, the little one was me, and the third one was the man I would marry that we didn't know yet. Whenever the time was right, God would be the foundation to keep us together.

7. He hugged me in August back at college.

I finished the summer in California and he finished the summer at a camp in the Northwest. I was feeling misplaced when I returned to college in August, and I happened into him right after his 2-day drive back to school. He hugged me and I melted all over again and was so thankful for this little bit of home.

8. He jumped a couch to chase after me.

He was hanging out in the girls dorm lobby when I was on my way to go meet a guy. He said hi across the lobby and asked where I was headed. I didn't want to answer so I ducked my head as if I didn't hear him and walked faster. He ran after me, jumping over a sofa that sat between us, and caught me just outside of the door. I told him where I was going, he gave me a hard time, then hugged me. I met up with the other guy and told him we wouldn't be talking anymore.

9. He brought me an orange drink.

I couldn't hang out with Daniel because I was working on a paper. He came to visit me anyway and brought me my favorite citrus drink to sip on while I typed. There was a time before college when my brother and I talked about writing a book together that we affectionately called "Kiss the Love Story Good-bye." The first and only chapter I actually worked on was called "When orange lost its color" about the fall of Adam and Eve and heartbreak. This was a moment when orange regained its color and I was feeling more alive.

10. He rubbed my shoulders and I called him a magnet.

We were hanging out a little more, just as friends, of course. We were sitting on campus and he rubbed my shoulders, and I hated that I still felt so connected to him. So I asked him why he was such a magnet to me. That was one of the first moments that I admitted I really was still attracted to him as more than friends.

11. I told him something I've never told anyone. And didn't fear him knowing.

We talked a lot, and I never filtered myself or wondered what to say. When I overshared, I didn't feel a vulnerability hangover like I did with other people. It just seemed right that he know these things about me.

12. Our first kiss.

We sat by the lake under a giant supermoon (apparently one that won't happen again until 2025). I knew we were going to kiss and he surprised me by only kissing my forehead, then sweetly kissed my cheeks. Seriously, the most gentleman and romantic first kiss I could think of. If I had any reservations, they were gone in that moment.

13. I took him home to my parents.

The weekend of my 20th birthday, I took him and a friend home with me. This wasn't too big of a deal, since my parents already knew him and liked him.

14. The day he asked me to be his girlfriend.

The day after my 20th birthday, after we drove back to college, we had a conversation about our pasts. It was hard and we were both hurting, and it wasn't exactly a feel-good movie start to a relationship. But it was just what it needed to be--real, honest, and a commitment to forgive and move forward together.

15. He told me I was beautiful.

One of the weekends he came home with me, I went to bed early. I didn't really tell him why, but I had been feeling pretty down about lots of things. He came to see me, and without knowing much of what was upsetting me, sweetly touched my hair and my face where the scars run deep and told me how beautiful I was. I felt fully seen and fully loved.

16. I tried to break up with him and he wouldn't let me.

Independence is my defense mechanism, and I started to use that with him, too. I didn't want to screw up this relationship or him, and getting out was my go-to. He saw through it and knew that's not really what I wanted and that's not what he wanted, so he fought for me. He said he wouldn't let me break up with him if I didn't have a good reason and he wasn't going anywhere.

17. His calming embrace.

I'm not much of a hugger and would often start to push him away when he'd try holding me to comfort me. Still, he had a way of embracing me that calmed me. Later, we saw an episode of Grey's Anatomy where a girl would get anxious and needed the weight of a person against her to calm down. I realized that's exactly what he gave me--a firm embrace that calmed my anxieties.

18. I told him I was pregnant and he asked if we were big enough.

I woke him up way too early in the morning to tell him I was pregnant. He met me out on front campus, still groggy and a little disoriented. One of the first things he said as he processed the news was, Are we big enough? And I knew that even if we weren't, we were still a we and that was enough.

19. He stayed in Lincoln.

We already had plans for the summer--he was going to work at a camp in Colorado and I was going to work with my parents at a camp in California. I changed my plans to stay at the college and prepare for our upcoming wedding. My independent defense kept telling him to go to Colorado anyway, I'd be fine. He ended up staying at the college so we could be together.

20. He helped me through morning sickness.

That summer we took a little trip out to California to visit my parents. I was having terrible all-day "morning" sickness. He pulled me off the couch up to the bath he had filled with bubbles, lights out and candles flickering, iced lemonade ready to sip, The Book of Love played in the background.

21. He agreed to have Fireflies played at our wedding.

I loved the Fireflies song by Faith Hill and everything it triggered about my fairytale dreams now coming true. I asked his sister to sing it at the end of our wedding ceremony for us to walk out on. He still makes fun of it, but it happened anyway. Someone gave us the advice to end everyday in prayer, and we did consistently for the first few years of our marriage.

22. He sold his jeep.

We were all kinds of poor after getting married. We couldn't afford to keep both of our cars, so we kept my sedan that had good gas mileage and sold his Jeep that he loved. I knew that he would do anything to provide for our little family.

23. He held our first baby after she was born.

I was exhausted and her heart-rate needed steadied. He took her from me so I could get a break and sang the sweetest song to her that he made up on the spot.

24. He steamrolled my fears.

I have an irrational fear that really showed up in my anxiety and depression shortly after our baby was born. I was sharing the ridiculousness of it with him and instead of laughing it off (because it's a really ridiculous fear), he held me and told me to imagine he was steamrolling it away. I still think of that visual when the fear comes up.

25. He changed because I cared.

You're not supposed to be marry someone expecting to change them, and I didn't. But when something came up after a couple years of marriage, he respected me and changed because he cared about me.

26. We cry together.

Neither of us are exactly big criers (or at least, I'm not lately). There are some big moments throughout our last 10 years together that we've felt stressed, overwhelmed, or lost and have talked and cried together. These moments were growing moments, because we were together through them, not struggling alone.

27. We laugh together.

We have laughed so much together, and each laugh we share brings us closer together.

28. He comes home from recruiting trips.

He travels for his job. While it can add strain to the relationship and requires extra effort, it also has given us moments that have brought us closer together. It's like the Passenger's Let Her Go song and others like it: You never hate the road until you're missing home. When he's gone, I'm missing home.

29. He switched jobs for us.

When we found I was pregnant with Baby 3 we knew something would need to change in our finances. He loved his job, but still made a change for the good of our family. I knew he would still do anything to provide for our little family.

30. He encourages me toward who God created me to be.

From the beginning my husband has always made me feel fully seen and fully loved. He is always encouraging me toward God's calling in my life, even when it means I don't do as much around the house or complain about aspects of it.

Love isn't one moment of sparks, but many moments of growth and togetherness. We're celebrating ten years of growth and togetherness and look forward to many more ahead!

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Looking Back on 30 Years

day 13 of 31 celebrating three-oh

I love birthdays! Have I mentioned that yet? This whole series might have been a hint. I love new years and new beginnings, and birthdays are just a more personalized opportunity to celebrate how far you've come and dream about where you still hope to go.

This morning I read where Jesus said, "I know where I've come from and where I go next." (John 8:14)

That's the confidence I have today as I close out my twenties. I know where I've come from (God) and I know where I'm going next (forever with God). That's my life--the last thirty years and the next however many years on this earth until forever with Him. Amen.

On this last day in my 20s, I'm sharing where I've been and what I've done and a little of who I've become in the last thirty years. Tomorrow, I'll dream of where I'm headed next. For now, I'm celebrating where God's taken me, in no particular order.

1. Got married. My husband is wild, he is free, he is coyote. And I love him so much.

2. Graduated 8th grade my 7th grade year. I'm not overly smart, just determined.

3. Got my GED. Maybe not your typical moment of pride, but I was working full-time and headed toward college, it felt good to have something to show for my education.

4. Got my bachelor's degree. Not too bad for a high school dropout.

5-7. Had 3 babies. So many words and thoughts and feelings come to mind about them. I love them so.

8. Got to be a stay-at-home-mom. It was always my dream, but in my first 18 months of motherhood I wasn't sure when or if it would happen. Thankful for a supportive husband that doesn't mind a few extra years of near-poverty so I can be our kids' fulltime caregiver.

9. Wrote 3 ebooks and now 4 31-day series. I had to get writing in here somehow. I haven't traditionally published a book, and maybe I never will. But I've still written lots of things I'm proud of and shared the story God's writing in my life.

10. Traveled to the other side of the world. I never flew commercially until that trip. It was all an incredible journey in so many ways.

11. Traveled in the U.S. And I can't discredit the travel we've done in these United States. Gorgeous places to see and memory-making trips with people I love.

12. Moved away from home. Moving out of my parents' home and creating one of my own with Daniel is a milestone worth celebrating.

13. Owned a car. I bought my first car when I was 16. Come to think of it, that's the only car that's been my own.

14. Did public speaking. Since I was incredibly shy as a kid, this is a pretty big deal. Speaking was part of my degree emphasis in college and I love opportunities to share it now.

15. Got paid to write. When I was little I said I wanted to be a secretary, because that involved typing and I was convinced writing wasn't an occupation. Sure, it may not pay consistently well, but I've been paid several times to do what I love and that's a great feeling.

16. Got a tattoo. I never thought I would and didn't think I wanted one. Now I have one for my kids as an Ebenezer, a memorial stone, for the ways God has led, is leading, and will continue to lead in the future. I still plan on two more as meaningful reminders for myself.

17. Had a fulltime job with benefits. It only lasted 18 months. But it got us through the end of college and the beginning of us being a family of 3. I'm thankful for the experience and the provision it gave us.

18. Made meaningful, lifelong friends. I was only in high school for two years, and still I left those two years with two of the best friends a girl could ask for. I've shared all the feels over the years with these two and look forward to a lifetime of calling them friends.

19. Continue making meaningful, lifelong friends. No one prepared me for how hard it would be to make and keep friends as an adult. Still, I look around where I am now and see the beautiful fruits of friendship and am thankful for the effort. I know these will continue to be lasting, meaningful friendships.

20. Surfed. And rock climbed. And rode dirt bikes. And cliff jumped. I'm not very daring or adrenaline-adventurous. But I've done some adventurous things. Maybe not very well, but I had fun doing it.

21. Grew and made memories with my family. Not a lot happened in my early years that feels like an accomplishment to celebrate. Learning to walk and talk and pee in the potty and read all kind of seem irrelevant now. But those early milestones are thanks to the love and care from my dedicated parents, and even my two big brothers and big sister. All our years of memories together have probably had the biggest, most lasting impact on who I am today.

22. Got baptized. I've loved Jesus and have been His since I can remember. It was such a memorable moment to finally make it underwater-official when I was 12.

23. Baby financial steps. Several times in our adulthood we've paid off all consumer debt (student loans are still hanging around), and saved a small emergency fund a la Dave Ramsey. Having a baby or making a move or other life events tends to set us back. But we keep returning to those basic milestones, and I know this is a foundation for better finances ahead... like when I start contributing to our finances.

24. First love, first kiss, first heartbreak. Perfection is in Heaven. Here on Earth I've loved more than one person in my life, I've had many firsts, and I've had a broken heart many times. These were seasons of my life just as real as my current season. There is a season for everything and God has placed eternity in our hearts so we know Heaven is the real gift at the end.

25. Started thinking for myself. This has been a 30-year learning process, and I imagine will continue for years to come. I am a Christian; that doesn't mean I agree with all Christians. I am an Adventist; that doesn't mean I live the same as all Adventists. I am my parents' daughter; that doesn't mean I see everything the same way as them. I'm learning to have thoughts, opinions, and beliefs different from the people around me and be okay with that. My life is between me and God and His approval is all I seek or need.

26. Getting through depression. Charles Spurgeon wrote something like "I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me into the rock of ages." Navigating the ups and downs of my feelings constantly pushes me into Jesus' arms, and I am truly thankful.

27. Started finding myself. That's a term I've heard many times and have mixed emotions over. Still, discovering what lights me up and seeing who God created me to be has been such an important part of my journey. I believe I'm created in His image, and each of these parts of me are a little of Him shining through. I look forward to keep "finding myself," and really just find more of Him.

28. Helping others. Our finances limit how much money we're able to use to help others. But we've still supported causes we've believed, sponsored a child for a few years, volunteered, and even followed a still-small-voice to help people I wouldn't normally notice. So thankful for opportunities to step beyond myself, be the hands and feet of Jesus, and remember life isn't all about me.

29. Adulting. It's not always easy and I don't always love it. And yet, here I am, 11 years in with many more ahead. Bring on more bills and budgeting and scheduling doctors appointments and chauffeuring kids and voting and eating ice cream too late at night because I can.

30. Life. I've lived and learned a lot in the last thirty years, and still have a lot of life yet to live. It's all worth celebrating.

What milestones are you celebrating in your life?

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30 Lines of Poetry

day 12 of 31 celebrating three-oh

When I was 11, I decided to "get more serious" about my writing. As in, I didn't have a place to write because I had thrown my diary away when I was 8 (amazing what impact embarrassment can have), and I was growing out of The Amazing Writing Machine that I used on our computer.

So, I challenged myself to write a poem everyday. I did off and on for a month and wrote some of the lamest poems about cloud shapes and "surprisin'" sunsets. That was the beginning of the month. By the end of the month I was writing deeper, heartfelt words about experiencing God.

It got kicked up even more in high school, when I still avoided keeping an honest journal, and instead let my words build up until they were lines of poetry flowing out onto the page as I processed relationships and breakups and all the confusing feels of a teenager.

Fifteen years later, and I finally keep a journal to put all of the hard, honest thoughts to rest, and the flow of words hasn't stopped. I get this rhythm in my head that words pass through in river motion until I get them out--in a journal, in my phone notes, in a blog post. Those outlets are to me now what poetry was to me as a teen--a way to work thoughts out until they became a meaningful piece of art and a memento of the journey.

During this 30-day series celebrating three-oh, I want to pay tribute to some of those words that started this writing rhythm when I was a teen. I wouldn't be the writer I am today (and still growing) if I hadn't started back then.

Instead of overwhelming you with my old poetry, I'm sharing 30-ish lines of poetry from my collection. In each poem, there's a common thread of perspective (one poem below was literally about perspective). But even the others were all about taking my heartache and trying to uncover a different way to look at the hurt until the hope of a silver lining became a radiant sunbeam.

These are a glimpse of who I was as a teenager, as well as a vision for who I hope to remain as an adult.

4 lines from a 3-page poem recovering from hate-created fear:
...
I hate because he left me
To face the world solo.
I fear for lack of opportunity
To simply thank my hero.
...

8 lines from a poem comparing jelly beans with life. I go deep, I know:
...
We measure life up, and look at the result
To label each moment or give it a fault.
Was that a scratch or lesson learned?
A year in the past or another to unturn?
A waste of time or time put to use?
A bad choice or the privilege to choose?
Either way you lived it, you've gone through the strife.
Labeled or not, I'd still call it life.
...

16 lines from a poem I wrote as I processed heartache:
...
Perspective is a view,
of the things we daily see.
In how they relate to you,
of importance to me.
When we view our life,
through the way it's flown,
in looking at this strife,
we're not looking alone.
There is an Intervener,
through each situation.
Who's eyesight is keener,
in reading the interpretation.
...
I ask the question,
"Will I ever make it through?"
And One gives direction,
You'll be stronger when you do.
...

7 lines from a poem about two separate hands that eventually join:
...
One hand, so meek and changed,
Now rests inside the Greater.
One hand, so loving and true,
Now holds the lesser.
Faithful and walking,
Joined until forever are these hands--
My Lord and I.
...

Thanks, Poetry, for getting me through some tough times in a beautiful way.

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30 Journal Prompts to Embrace Your Story

day 6 of 31 celebrating three-oh

Yesterday I shared my 30-word manifesto which revolves around living and sharing our stories. I believe our stories matter. Identifying our can help us find love and truth. Embracing our story can help us find freedom from the hard and vulnerable parts. And sharing them can offer hope, truth, freedom, and love to others.

Before sharing our stories, we've got to identify and embrace them. This usually involves self-reflection and acceptance that can be found with a counselor and sometimes even a plain old journal.

If you've never talked a counselor, please at least try it. Ask around for recommendations. These are professionals trained in uncovering stories.

And if you don't think you're a writer, please don't rule out the power of pen and paper. You don't have to write anything eloquent or that make sense to anyone else. Just let the flow of consciousness come out on the page to help you find the gospel in your story, work through the challenging parts, and maybe even find a diamond in the rough worth sharing with someone else.

We all have diamonds in the rough of our lives. I hope these questions and journal prompts will help you discover yours.

10 Questions to Identify the Gospel in Your Story

1. When did you first meet Jesus? Or when has He felt the most real to you?

2. What has God helped you overcome in your past? How did He show up?

3. What are some pitfalls you’ve experienced in your journey? How did you overcome those?

4. What is a bold leap of faith you’ve taken in the past? What gave you courage? How did God provide for you?

5. What story in the Bible resonates the most with you? Which Bible character do you admire and what do you admire about him or her?

6. Borrow God’s eyes to see yourself and your story. What do you see?

7. What do you feel in/about your story? What do you want to feel in/about your story? What’s keeping you from that?

8. What is the negative chatter going on in your head? What is the reality of God’s truth?

9. What areas of your life or your past seem impossible? How might you put those in God’s hands?

10. How have you personally experienced salvation in Jesus? What has He saved or healed you
from, what miracles has He performed for you, how has He shown up for you?

10 Questions to Embrace Your Story (even the hard or vulnerable)

11. What might your life look like if you exchanged your fear of the future or your regret of the past for faith in God?

12. What specifically from your life—past, present, or future—do you need to give to God? What do you feel Him telling you to do with that?

13. What’s holding you back from fully living in freedom, truth, and forgiveness?

14. What is a memory you have of yourself as feeling whole or feeling a glimpse of who God made you to be? Write a letter to that past whole you.

15. What is a memory of yourself when you felt broken or detached from who God created you to be? Write a letter to that past broken you.

16. What is the most dramatic change you ever had to make?

17. Think of something in your life that you try to avoid—a past struggle, a current challenge, or a future fear—something that brings pain or discomfort when it comes to mind. Now complete the following: This makes me feel… It makes me feel this way because… My fears or regrets about this are… My hope, or the best possible outcome for it, is… I would feel better about this if I could…

18. How did God meet you in times of grief, sorry, or discouragement? How might He want to meet you now?

19. How have you found strength to overcome past challenges?

20. Your story is made of so many little pieces that all tell a different part of the Gospel of Jesus. List some of those pieces and experiences that are coming to mind.

10 Questions to Start Sharing Your Story

21. Have you ever shared your story with someone? What was their reaction? What was yours?

22. What voices—people, media, circumstances, reactions—influence your life? What truth needs to replace these voices?

23. If you’ve never shared your story, what might you need to do first to start? (Hint: admit to yourself, write it down, talk to a counselor, read someone else’s similar story.)

24. How might your story help others find life—freedom, hope, truth, love, forgiveness—in Jesus?

25. Is there anyone you need to tell your story to that was involved in it somehow? Do you need to forgive them or ask forgiveness?

26. What is the worst that could happen if people knew the truth about your past or current struggles? What is the best that could happen?

27. Who might benefit from hearing your story? What specific person or what type of person?

28. If you shared pieces of your story, where might they best be shared? Which could be used in a social media post? Which could be a story on a blog? Which needs to be shared with a counselor? Which could be admitted to a close friend or a small group?

29. Think of someone you know that has a story they’re afraid to tell. Write a note to this person and encourage them with what you’ve discovered about your own story.

30. What do you feel God saying to you about your next steps?

Want these prompts in printable form? Sign up for my free Monthly Dose of Simple emails and you'll find the Your Story Matters printable in the free archives.

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30-Word Manifesto

day 5 of 31 celebrating three-oh

If you died in a year, what is one gift you would hope to leave the world? What is your deepest reason for wanting to offer this gift? Why do you wake up in the morning? Why does what you do matter?

These questions were part of a Momentum Challenge some friends and I started a few years ago. It's a challenge we recently decided to start again. I'm normally long-winded, and started this exercise the same. Then, to keep it real and keep it thirty, I dwindled it all down to two thirty-word answers.

The gift I would leave the world (in 30 words, of course):

My story. A collection of the hard and vulnerable moments in my life that point to the good of Jesus—His love, hope, salvation, and return to claim me forever.

My Mini 30-Word Manifesto: 

Let’s live and tell our stories in hopeful truth. Placing the hard and vulnerable in Jesus. Receiving His freedom and grace. Telling others and inviting them to do the same.

It's your turn.

What is one gift you hope to leave the world?

What are you doing to live that story and share it with others?

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